One of the things I get asked so often is about dealing with other people.
How can we change their behaviour or how their behaviour is making a person feel.
What we really need to control is our reaction to it.
And seek to understand it. Not condone it…understand it. Often that in itself takes out the sting.
While it’s true that other people’s behaviour is far more about them than it is you, there is one caveat I’d like to make.
It may be reflecting something back TO you, which is where the self awareness I’m always talking about comes into play.
And what other people’s behaviour may be reflecting back to you is something that needs healing within yourself.
It may be reflecting back your own feelings of worth and what you deserve.
Which isn’t fun!
BUT…when we catch it, that’s when we can do something with it.
The question then becomes, ‘what lesson do I need to learn from this interaction or what is being reflected here that is actually my own belief about myself.’
Big questions to ask but super important.
When you learn to ask these kinds of questions without judgement, blame or shame then that’s where the magic can start to happen.
There can be so many feelings associated when you ‘allow’ someone to treat you badly.
You might feel angry, hurt, betrayed, foolish, blame yourself…so…many…feelings.
But it happens to all of us at some point.
Whether it’s a client, a friend, a partner, whatever the context, we’ve all let people in who have turned out to be not exactly who they claimed to be at the start.
Or who have treated us in ways that resulted in us feeling less than or awful about ourselves.
And it can be incredibly painful.
Especially when we didn’t see it coming.
And in these situations it’s FAR too easy to blame yourself for that person’s behaviour towards you.
‘Why didn’t I see it?’
‘What does it say about me that I didn’t see it?’
‘Maybe I deserved it.’
‘Was it all a complete lie?’
But that’s a double whammy right?!
You’ve been treated badly by someone else, and now you’re treating yourself badly!
No wonder you feel like you can’t catch a break.
It’s important to be open to learning new ways of doing things yourself. Unlearning YOUR old patterns and reactions.
This is something I’m doing myself in real time at the moment and it’s definitely challenging at times but also feels really good.
I’m pretty well wired to sit in discomfort these days and knowing that the good stuff is around the corner.
I know it’s good for me and I know it’s wiring new neural pathways that are probably far healthier.
Even though it might register as unsafe because it’s new and unfamiliar.
But I’m open to it and here for it!
When you allow new interactions to teach you something new you don’t ever go back to how you were. It’s new information that’s being encoded into your brain and nervous system.
I used to get so hurt and upset by other people’s behaviour towards me and really went heavy on the self blame and lack of self worth.
That’s very different now.
I know different now.
Even when someone REALLY lets you down it’s easier to handle.
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course it does.
It doesn’t mean there’s no anger and frustration, of course there is.
But I also know it’s not about me.
And even when it might be annoying to do so…compassion for the other person can still be found if you want to find it.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Wounded people tend to be the ones to create wounds in others.
You cannot control the other person’s behaviour.
You cannot control the way someone decides to judge you or see you.
You cannot control the narrative they choose to create.
None of this is within your control.
It’s not a reflection on you if someone behaves badly towards you, it’s on them.
It’s not your ‘fault’ and you’re not to ‘blame’.
Ask yourself the necessary self awareness questions about what it may be highlighting for you to work on in terms of your own healing and how you see yourself.
Hold your head high in the situation.
The more you know yourself deeply, the easier this is.
When you know in your core you’re a good person. You know your worth. You know your values. You’ll find the less other people’s behaviour will affect you.
That’s what you have control over and that’s where you can create some real change.
If you’ve been in a situation where there has been any sort of abuse this may take a little longer and I highly recommend getting some professional support too but it’s so possible.
Hindsight is a marvellous thing, once you’re out of the situation. When you’re in it it can feel all consuming and confusing and overwhelming and it can be hard to see the woods for the trees.
But it’s absolutely possible to heal, take the lessons, be able to take any responsibility that’s yours to take (very important you understand responsibility is NOT blame!) understand yourself more deeply and not get yourself into a similar situation again.
It was never your fault, or a reflection on you.
Some people are deeply wounded themselves and those wounds can hurt others. It doesn’t matter the situation. This could be clients, colleagues, loved ones, partners, friends.
Some of the worst situations I’ve been in where people have treated me badly, although painful, have created who I am today.
I won’t tolerate behaviour today that I would have even a few months ago. I’m quicker to learn.
It doesn’t mean no one will ever hurt you again. That’s just part of a richly human life!
It doesn’t mean no one will ever lie to you about who they are and you won’t see it coming again.
It doesn’t mean you’re going to find it easy to trust people or let them in straight away.
It doesn’t mean any of that and that’s not what we’re aiming for.
What we’re aiming for is for you to KNOW it’s not about you.
To not take on other people’s bad behaviour or toxic ‘stuff’ as YOUR ‘stuff’.#
To know yourself on such a deep level that you have unshakable confidence on WHO you are…while also knowing you’re always improving, growing and learning and never a finished product. Your feelings might get hurt…but your self-worth stays totally intact.
To know that it’s not a BAD thing to want to see the best in people.
To be able to do the necessary self awareness and healing work when it comes up.
You might just come out the other side as the best version of yourself!
Fran Excell, Success Mindset Mentor at www.franexcell.com – Helping Business Owners & Executives Overcome Stress & Self Sabotage so they can get back their time, get off the emotional rollercoaster and feel more in control.
Check out The Positive Pants Podcast Here
Download your FREE Stressed To Success Meditation Here
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App Here
Work with me. Book In a Free 20 Minute Discovery Call Here