Happy Monday, I’m excited about this episode because it’s a goodie and something that’s really close to my heart from my own personal experience ANd I also have that super special announcement to make too, so let’s dive in.
You’re not meant to have to figure everything out on your own.
This was a lesson I had to learn. Or should I say, I had to unlearn because it was hugely against my unconscious programming.
I tried to do everything by myself for a REALLY long time.
I wore doing everything myself like it was a badge of honour. As if I had help, it would mean I didn’t really do it.
My belief system and identity was very caught up in needing to be able to do everything by myself.
A bit of a lone wolf perhaps.
I wasn’t good at asking for or accepting help when it was offered and it cost me.
It cost me time, money, energy and probably a lot of frustration, heartache and maybe a little burnout thrown in for good measure.
It’s something I still have to consciously work on now but I’m so much better than I thought would be possible for me.
I have to catch myself in the pattern!
And recognise where it comes from.
We have messages thrown at us all the time in society about being independent. That might mean something different to each different person but for me that certainly showed up as a deep ‘need’ to be able to do everything myself and not ask for help.
It will come from your experiences too. Lessons that you’ve learned, consciously or unconsciously along the way.
I used to be pretty shy as a child. If I didn’t know you very well it would take me a while to warm up. I needed to feel comfortable in people’s presence to let my guard down.
I learned at a pretty young age that people found this annoying. But I also didn’t know how to change it so I continued this clingy behaviour and inability to do anything by myself.
This continued through school, into my teens and early adulthood. I was really unsure of myself, had low self esteem and didn’t particularly like myself. I couldn’t do anything by myself. It registered as a deep fear to be seen by myself (the irony is that one of my favourite things is to be by myself now!)
So, I was kind of a high maintenance friend to be honest. I knew it was annoying people but I felt powerless to change it.
I actually was given my old school reports by my parents about a year ago and really saw where this pattern may have started.
One of my teachers had written a report talking about how irritating it was that I had an incessant need to sense check everything.
So she will have been saying these things to me in class and berating me for always asking for help.
So I learned it wasn’t a ‘good’ behaviour to have and would shame myself for it, without knowing how to make it different, or that it even could be.
So (trigger warning – emotionally abusive relationships) it made sense that the first real relationship I found myself in was with someone who always told me what to do and didn’t give me much choice in the matter.
But I definitely didn’t need to ask and/or wasn’t able to!
And when I realised I was in a bad situation I didn’t have anyone to ask for help because I’d been isolated from so many of my friends. So I had to figure things out for myself.
As awful as it was, I do credit this experience with my strength now. Although, I also learned that it can go too far the other way!
Eventually later in life these experiences started to shift my inner world and became an unconscious fear, with my nervous system registering it as ‘unsafe’ to ask for help.
Then came the fierce independence.
This is where I felt like asking for help made me weak.
So I didn’t. I’d sooner burn myself out or avoid something than ask for help.
I now know the truth to be the opposite, allowing help and support is transformative and real strength.
Asking for help, doing things in community and collaboration is where the magic is. It’s where accountability is. It’s where things happen and things get done!
My relationship with Dawni and Abi and starting The Mentorship together has healed and taught me so much about this too.
When you hear this I’ll be fresh back from our retreat which is part of that.
We’ve been in Wiltshire in an amazing house with 13 of us supporting, collaborating and figuring stuff out together that would take 10x longer if we were doing it alone.
It gets rid of your blind spots. It helps you improve quicker, not make expensive or time consuming mistakes. It keeps you accountable and out of your unconscious programming.
It’s absolute gold dust!
The magic is in knowing what to do, and having the support to actually do it!
I see so many people in this trap of doing the learning, and leaving it there.
Co-regulation is HUGE in overcoming our past programming. In providing evidence to our brain and nervous system that it’s safe.
You’re not meant to do it on your own, it’s SO much harder and takes so much longer than it needs to.
And now for my SUPER exciting announcement.
The Positive Pants Toolkit App and community is LIVE!
Oh my goodness.
It’s a monthly subscription where you have full access to the app which contains tonnes of my tried and tested, science backed tools and techniques to help you create real change in your life. To overcome self sabotage. To manage stress. To heal your nervous system. To help form positive habits.
It’s all in there and very different to the traditional membership model you see out there.
You have full access to the toolkit which is categorised into the most common mindset gremlins I see getting in the way of what you want.
Think procrastination, overwhelm, fear of judgement, money mindset, stress.
In there you’ll find categorised podcast episodes based on that particular issue and categorised practical tools and techniques to help it stop being an issue for you.
Then we go one step further and you have ‘experiences’. This is where there will be a growing library of meditations, journaling exercises (including my journaling for the non dear diary type format that you can use daily) EFT/Tapping, mindfulness, eventually we’ll add hypnotherapy and all sorts of other wonderful things.
It has a monthly book recommendation, my favourite wellbeing tools recommendations.
AND…if you haven’t guessed…community. This is something I’ve built in too. There will be a private inner circle group for you to connect with other people, and me.
There are monthly ask me anything calls where you can get live coaching. There’s office hours, there’s accountability buddies if you want them. There will be in-person meet-ups eventually.
You were not meant to do this on your own!
It’s not demanding of your time, you’ll never feel ‘behind’ and it’ll be shaped by you.
This is what works. The combination of the practical tools and education you need and the community support.
It’s like a gym for your brain and nervous system. It’s built with how the brain and nervous system works in mind, and what strengthens those neural connections and flexes those brain ‘muscles’!
This work is ongoing in the best way. It’s about forming habits that allow you to live your best possible life full of calm, success, happiness.
It doesn’t need to take you 8 years of floundering by yourself!
Oh, I almost forgot, you also get discounts on anything else I launch solo too. Programmes, products and 1:1.
OH MY GOODNESS I’M SO EXCITED to welcome founding members for this.
As founding members you’re going to help me shape the app and the community, and of course forgive any initial tech snafu’s and help me find them ha! So you’ll get access to a founding members discount too.
Until 7th Feb 2022 the founding members fee is only £32 per month so make sure you hop in quick.
You can head to my website now and join. https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
You’ll still be able to join after that date, just not with the founding members discount.
I really hope you love it and I hope to see you in there in the inner circle. I’m beyond excited, this has been a long time coming and a real passion project for me and I believe we’ve created what I really wish i’d had on my journey.
So, with that in mind and a final little food for thought, what does not doing it by yourself mean to you?
Might it be allowing yourself to collaborate with other people?
Might it be hiring a VA and outsourcing some tasks?
Might it be about finding a community and allowing people to support you in the good, the bad and the ugly?
Maybe it’s all of the above!
Hope I see you on the inside!
Fran Excell, Success Mindset Mentor at www.franexcell.com – Helping Business Owners Overcome Stress & Self Sabotage so they can get back their time and feel more in control.
Check out The Positive Pants Podcast here
Download your FREE Stressed To Success Meditation here
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App here
Book In a Free 20 Minute Discovery Call here