You are NOT here to be average.
To fit in. You’re just not.
The very fact your listening to/reading this shows that!
We spend so much of our lives trying to ‘fit in’ but fitting in is exactly that. Average.
You were meant to STAND OUT! In the best way possible, for no other reason than you’re being yourself. Completely. Sound scary?
Got a personal one coming your way today that I hope will make you have a good long think about where things like this might be showing up for you. I
was on a call with my meditation mentor yesterday and we got talking about the mind body connection (one of the presuppositions of NLP is that the mind and the body are a linked system) and how often the cause of illness or certain ailments is actually linked to something emotional, often stress, but ALSO often linked to some sort of incident in your past (that’s information for another day as it’s a HUGE subject in itself ha, but have a google, it’s fascinating! Sandy Newbigging the author of Mind Calm and Body Calm has a wealth of information around this and is also my mentor). I
’ve had a few health issues over the last few months and i’ve got an operation coming up in March so it makes sense that this would come up in our session so we started working on what potential incident in my past could have linked to this.
I know if you’ve not read anything into this before that can sound a bit far fetched but stick with it, when you study the unconscious mind, NLP, hypnosis and all the other juicy stuff I study then it’s actually a very obvious place to go…so stick with me! Now, your subconscious mind can be SO helpful and will always give you what you need.
It’s basically stored everything from your life in there for you to access when you need it and all your ‘recorded’ experiences have formed your habits, beliefs, thought processes…basically rules your life so when you can learn to work with it and be curious about what comes up you can make significant changes and moves towards everything you want.
You can also get rid of so many beliefs, emotions and ties to things that you know hold you back.
Here comes my favourite quote again from Carl Jung, ‘until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’ It’s just a case of asking yourself powerful questions and noticing what comes up.
You’ll always get an image, or a particular random memory will seemingly come from nowhere. Notice when that happens because there is pretty much always a reason.
So, an incident came up for me in this session from when I was 11 and when we delved into how it made me feel and what it caused me to make it MEAN at the time.
What belief it created that I then used to run my entire life from that moment.
Now, it’s a common experience that MANY people had around that age of being bullied and being judged.
For me it was specifically around food and the way I looked. (If you’ve been listening to me for a while you’ll know that’s been one of my toughest nuts to crack and I always love a weight loss analogy to demonstrate a point ha!)
For me it started as the emotions of hurt, sadness, shame and guilt that made me feel there was something fundamentally wrong with me and THEREFORE i’m unlikeable and unlovable. I mean. A biggie right.
From two mean girls who were just acting from THEIR own unconscious programming throwing me ‘shade’ I got ALL that. In that instant, when I first looked back to that memory it was as if it instantly changed any previous beliefs around myself to what THEY thought of me…because it MUST be true right?!
You can see how critical it is to find out what these beliefs are and blast them out the water as soon as you can. If you felt like that about yourself (hurt, sadness, shame and guilt that made me feel there was something fundamentally wrong with me and THEREFORE i’m unlikeable and unlovable) what actions would it lead you take and not take, how would it make you show up to other people? How would it make you show up in relationships?
How would it make you show up in friendships with people who DID like and love you that you shunned because they weren’t the ‘cool kids’, it wasn’t THEIR approval you needed.
What behaviour would it make you take that didn’t feel right just so you could be accepted by those cool kids’ (who all peak in school by the way!) How would it make you show up in your business when a prerequisite it to put yourself out there to be judged and KNOW not everyone is going to like you?
Now, this is a belief I’ve done tonnes of work around thankfully so it hasn’t affected how I show up for years…and I really thought I had blasted most of it out the water.
HOWEVER, I hadn’t ever done anything related to this specific incident (the belief is one thing to work on, the incident itself is another and where NLP can be an AMAZING tool!)
So we distilled my big long belief into the real crux of it, ‘I feel hurt and rejected and nobody wants to be my friend’. (Please remember I was only 11 when I formed this one ha, bless me, it sounds so sad!)
So, what this caused me to do throughout my childhood, through school, university, my first job, my career, my relationships, probably until I was about 30 ha, was try and fit in.
Whatever that meant in each situation it was HUGELY important to me to do what was necessary to feel accepted and fit in with people. It meant I didn’t share my opinions, was pretty quiet, submissive, did things that were against my values and what I believed but I made myself ‘wrong’.
I attracted friends who treated me badly, horrendous relationships including an emotionally abusive one in my late teens, early twenties. I attracted bullies. I attracted horrible bosses. I got myself into scrapes i’m not proud of (booze and boys were definitely my vices!) but it was a belief that I had to be and act a certain way to be liked and loved, or even accepted. Because there was something fundamentally wrong with me right? So I couldn’t be myself!
I attracted all the things that confirmed my belief that ‘I’m hurt, rejected and people don’t want to be my friend’. Funny how that works, right?
Remember, your subconscious mind doesn’t distinguish between good, bad, right or wrong, it just does everything it can to affirm your beliefs and send you evidence that you’re right and keep you safe.
So it made being myself ‘dangerous’. Don’t let anyone see who you really are or what you really think or they’ll reject you because there’s something fundamentally wrong with you and you are unlikeable and unlovable!
I should be grateful for the people who were happy to hang out with me, or be in a relationship with me and should accept any way they treated me, it was what I deserved.
Can you see how important this is?
Can you see how it affects EVERYTHING you do?
So when we ‘tackled’ this incident and proved it wrong on so many levels and did the necessary unconscious mind jiggery pokery I had quite the realisation that has kind of changed everything.
SCREW fitting in!
When fitting in means going against your values, who you are and what you believe (which it usually does!) WHAT IS THE FLIPPING POINT?!
The odds of you being here on this earth were 400 TRILLION to 1…It’s a freaking miracle and so many of us waste it on things we just don’t need to…this is YOUR life, LIVE it!
I’ve wondered why I’ve felt so heavy for a while in some areas of my business and I’ve realised it’s because I’m trying to fit in in some way. Which means i’m being average.
It means i’m also allowing myself to be treated in some areas in ways i’m NOT ok with.
I realised the mirror between the ‘cool kids’ at school and the ‘cool kids’ in this industry and I realised I absolutely don’t want to be one of them. No judgement, it’s just not for me. If anyone makes me feel like I should be anything less than who I am then they are not my people.
The people who ‘pretend’ to be friends so they can get something from you. That’s not for me. I talk about how I like to do things my way and not follow ‘gurus’ and only learn from people with integrity and put my own spin on things but I hadn’t realised I was holding myself back there too.
So expect some changes to be comin!!
It’s time to let some things go.
The first will be closing my Facebook group.
I actually don’t love hanging out on Facebook, it’s not my natural ‘habitat’ I don’t hang out in other people’s groups or anything like that…it’s just never really been my happy place. I’ll still be posting on my page and my personal profile and it’s not to say I won’t open another group in the future…it’s just not for me right now, it feels heavy. But, I LOVE Instagram…so make sure you’re following me over there @imfranexcell because i’m going to up my game there, because it FEELS good, for ME.
I love my mastermind group so I will be doing the early podcast recordings for them instead and taking questions and creating episodes based on what they want or need. Because it feels good!
I will be doing more in person, events and actually inviting people who book in one of my VIP intensives to come to my home in Kent 1 hour out of London because it’s REAL and it feels good!
I’m finally going to be getting my journal out into the world, even though people say ‘don’t go low ticket it’s hard’! SCREW THAT!
It feels GOOD, it’s been ‘calling’ me for YEARS and I know on my mission to help 1 million women love their lives and get everything they want it’s going to be a big player AND IT FREAKING FEELS GOOD!
I know people can listen to the podcast for free but I want to give them a REAL, tangible tool they can hold in their hands so I can help make it as easy as possible for them to actually take action and change their neural networks and unconscious programming…whether they can afford my mastermind or 1:1 help or not!
IT FREAKING FEELS GOOD!
So what are all the things you do…or don’t do…currently that don’t feel good and keep you average?
That keeps you small and in the ‘fitting in’ bucket?
What are you doing that just feels out of alignment for you, feels heavy and negative, that really if you’re being honest with yourself you’re only doing because other people do or because you’ll fit in when you do it?
Really ask yourself these and see what comes up.
Don’t question it, write it down and get curious.
WHO makes you feel ‘heavy’ or less than?
Stop following them, you can still be friends if you want to without having to read their content if you don’t agree or it makes you feel bad, be curious about why that is sure…but just unfollow.
That’s the magic, when you’re completely and utterly standing in your own worth/truth/values whatever you want to call it…you don’t even have to ‘let people go’ if you don’t want to, you can love them despite your differences with your own set of values in place.
I have friends in this industry that I fundamentally don’t agree with how they do things, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. It’s about becoming the observer of your own thoughts and judgements and being ok if other people don’t agree because you’re completely comfortable with who you are.
From now on it’s all about REAL.
Screw 6 figures in 6 months, screw 7 figures, screw all the badges and labels that have been created to ‘validate’ who you are in some way.
Screw the need to be a ‘cool kid’ (they all peaked in school anyway remember…ha!)
Screw the puppets still stuck on the strings of their mind being run by their unconscious programming and insecurities, what they say means nothing about you.
Success without fakeness or being run by any kind of insecurity for me please! It’s not positive feedback to ‘fit in’ in the first place because it means you’re being average.
And you’re not average my friend!
You want big things and big things don’t come from average.
Who are you without those bonkers beliefs holding you back?
Go be that person!
That’s where the magic is!
So what’s your next action my friend?
What are you letting go of?
How can you be more you?
Don’t try and fit in when you were made to stand out.
If you got value from this and you know in your gut that now is the time to step up and start rewiring your thinking and changing things for yourself then book in a free discovery call so we can work out what needs to happen to get you from where you’re at right now, to the action taking success you know you can be!! If you want my eyes and ears on YOUR problems I work with people 1:1, through the Proactive Pants Programme and 1:1 full day intensives, stop waiting for if and when and decide to change things now!
Fran Excell, Subconscious Success Mentor & Host Of The Positive Pants Podcast – Helping Business Owners Overcome Self Sabotage & Get More Done In Less Time at www.franexcell.com
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