What you didn’t realise you learned and also weren’t taught in school that you might beat yourself up for not knowing today is something i’m pretty passionate about.
So I’m going to make this a 2 parter. In this episode I’m going to talk about all the unconscious lessons you might have learned. Next week I’m going to talk about the things you ‘should’ have learned.
Fundamentally what I want for every single one of my listeners is to understand themselves, not beat themselves up for certain patterns of behaviour that they feel are intrinsically ‘wrong’ with them and also know they have the power to change those patterns of behaviour. To know that they make perfect sense.
To understand their own self sabotage and overcome and be able to handle their stress.
Every single one of us is so capable of that, we just haven’t been taught the things we need to know to be able to really make that a reality.
There are so many things you DID learn in school that now need to be UNlearned.
It’s an important topic that I love a good debate around but I really think it explains so many of the struggles we often come across running our own business.
Entrepreneurs are the definition of going against the grain of what we’ve been taught we’re ‘supposed’ to do.
No wonder it causes so much tension and internal conflict when we try to step into a totally different way of being, not just for ourselves but the fear it creates in those around us too.
Marry that with all the things we learned through our family and friends and society on top it’s an unconscious recipe for getting in your own way and not having the life you want.
School days can be a big trigger for a lot of people. I certainly learned a lot of lessons outside the classroom, some that I’m grateful for, others I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
But I find the key to so many things we unconsciously struggle with can be held there. The beliefs about ourselves and the world. What we ‘should’ do to be loved and accepted.
I had a great school life until I was 11 actually.
After that point, as well as pythagoras theory, through various experiences I learned not to trust people.
I learned that how I looked determined how likeable I am.
I learned that my emotions were inconvenient and shouldn’t be expressed.
I learned that it’s not ok to make mistakes or get things wrong.
I learned that ‘failure’ is something to be feared and avoided at all costs.It’s not acceptable and if you do…then YOU are not acceptable.
I learned to ask permission before acting.
I learned that you have to do things you don’t want to do.
I learned there was a certain path you had to follow to be successful which involved getting good grades, going into higher education, getting a job and working your way up.
I learned you would be judged and validated as a person on your achievements, mainly academic and financial.That success comes from the approval of other people.
That other people set the standards, not me.
I learned to seek validation from other people, not myself.
I learned that doing what I loved wasn’t as important as academic subjects I had little interest in.
I learned that questioning things and being curious was ‘naughty’ or ‘disruptive’.
I learned ‘do as I say’.
I didn’t learn that there was any other option.
And I know these aren’t just my lessons. I see so many of these things coming up in my work with clients.
When you make these unconscious programmes conscious, that’s when you can do something about it.
That’s when so many of your struggles make sense! So instead of beating yourself up for having them you get to do the work around changing those beliefs.
Sometimes that can be SO quick. Literally making it conscious can be enough to go, hang on, that’s ridiculous!’ and for it to be gone.
Some things cut a little deeper and need a little more work.
Remember it’s an internal protection mechanism.
Your brain, your ego and your nervous system are saying ‘hang on, this is the truth here and that’s intolerable so you can’t do that!’
‘If you do that, that means you’re unlovable so we can’t have that’
Then in comes the procrastination, the overwhelm, the confusion…all the mindset gremlins to stop you doing the thing.
Whether you’ve been bullied, were told by a teacher you’d never amount to anything. Whatever it might be, your school years have a huge effect.
Most of us are walking around completely unaware of all these programmes and all this conditioning that we need to break down.
But hopefully what you’re seeing here is making you go ‘ohhhh that’s why I do that, it makes so much sense!’
When you can see a pattern for what it is, rather than something that’s ‘wrong’ with you you might feel like you almost dissociate from that pattern.
It means that you become the observer of it. You get that zoom out function I talk about a lot. You’re not IN it anymore. Not consumed by it.
That’s a gift.
The more you uncover the more you get to throw away as unhelpful and un useful to you now.
You get to challenge it with curiosity. If there’s something that needs some healing, you know what you’re dealing with and can get specific about what to work on.
Oooooooh I LOVE this stuff. It might feel overwhelming at first but then it becomes SO freeing.
With anything it’s about going step by step, or layer by layer.
Find someone to work with 1:1, whether that’s me or someone else. The work is worth it.
So hopefully this week we’re starting to figure out some of the ‘stuff’ and next week I’ll be talking more about the things we all should have been taught in school to fundamentally help us with being human!
Remember, it’s not your fault, you aren’t broken, you don’t need fixing. You just learned some lessons that are now out of date and you have amazing internal protection mechanisms. I remember when I truly realised and understood that, it changed everything.
Fran Excell, Subconscious Success Mentor – Helping Business Owners Overcome Stress & Self Sabotage at www.franexcell.com
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