If You Focus On Blame, Things Can’t Change!

If you focus on blame, things can’t change

If you focus on blame, things can’t change.

You know I love an existential question but I also love to encourage people to deal in truth with themselves, even if it’s sometimes not pretty.

So I invite you to put your curiosity hat on for this one and leave your judgement at the door because if you can stop doing this one thing…it can make a PROFOUND difference to your life.

Blame is an ego led protection mechanism. 

So it might feel good in the moment to pass over blame to someone or something else, but it really doesn’t help you in the long run.

The more you blame the less likely you are to change and you’re denying yourself the power to do so. 

Think about it, if you can blame someone or something else then the onus isn’t on you.  Therefore less motivation and less awareness of where you have the power to do something yourself.

You’re putting the responsibility onto someone or something else, again, taking YOUR power and control away from the situation.

Easy to see how this could be a sticking point in your own growth.

But the only person you’re cheating is you.

So I invite you to, with curiosity, take a look at where you blame external circumstances for not having the results you want. 

It’s absolutely the path of least resistance to blame something or someone else.  It’s also a nice easy way to avoid feeling vulnerable.

I was BIG on blame for most of my life. It made me feel validated.  Provided me with endless excuses as to why I wasn’t doing the things I wanted. 

But I don’t beat myself up for it.  It’s a very human thing to do. Remember 95-99% of what we do we’re not even doing consciously.  Your ego is always going to try to protect you, your identity, your sense of self, your self esteem and an easy way to do that is to blame others BUT my goodness the self compassion and breakthroughs that come out of accepting our part in certain situations is incredible and hugely empowering.  

When you don’t use it as a way to shame yourself.

Take radical responsibility for yourself and your actions.

This is a really important thing to think about in this weird and crazy online world. 

But please understand what this really is at its core.  It’s a defense mechanism.  A protection mechanism. 

Like I say, one that I used to be REALLY familiar with. It of course still shows up from time to time but I see it as an indicator for something else.

An opportunity to question myself and get curious about what’s present for me in that moment or situation or with that person.

It’s also WAY easier than looking at the truth of a situation, right?

It’s far easier to make excuses or blame the moon, mercury retrograde, another person, a programme, our weight, our diet, the weather, the dog…

You get the idea. 

It’s FAR easier internally to believe it’s not your fault.

I have done this most of my life when it comes to my weight and health.  I could always find an excuse.  If you’ve been following me on Instagram you know I have arthritis in my knees. That sucks. It’s a real problem, BUT, it also SERVED me in some situations because I would be able to blame other things on it.

I used to always have boy drama in my twenties. People used to love chatting to me about my latest escapades and how awful they’d been.

Doing this work has allowed me to see that I actually had a HUGE part to play in ALL of it.

Because I’d had an emotionally abusive first relationship I unconsciously would go for emotionally unavailable guys. 

There would always be a reason for it to not work out.

They were a notorious player, too young (please bear in mind back then a 4 year age gap felt HUGE), too good looking (oh yes I managed that one for a while), fresh out of a long term relationship. 

Always something that meant they were in the wrong and it wasn’t my fault when it didn’t work out.

But I had unconsciously engineered it that way!

Unconsciously I was terrified to be in a relationship because I feared vulnerability and a lack of control.  I had a very skewed idea of what being in a relationship meant.

So I caused myself the inevitable heartache in other ways….but it wasn’t my fault!

See how the behaiour makes sense?

It was protecting me from something more painful.

It was only accepting my own responsibility in those situations that meant I could meet someone who would love me for me, respect me, accept me. All going against my self esteem and unconscious programming.

I wouldn’t have been able to meet Tobes if I hadn’t figured this one out and decided I’m worth more and that I have a part to play in my own decisions, behaviour and outcomes.

What could that be for you?

Failure?  Success? Judgement? Something else?

You might not always be able to catch it just before or in the midst of it and that’s ok. There’s an opportunity to reflect and learn the lessons afterwards. 

If a programme didn’t work for you, did you do the work?

If a course didn’t work for you, did you ask questions?

Awareness and responsibility lead to so much good stuff.  It might feel hard to stare at in the face or admit to begin with but it becomes easy once you realise how much power you have to do something about it.

Where might you not be showing up?

Where might you not be accepting responsibility?

Where are you not using resources that you’ve paid for?

This is important to recognise when you might be on the receiving end as a business owner too.  To be able to recognise what might be going on for someone else instead of taking it personally. 

When you look for your responsibility you also find your own power!

Fx

Fran Excell, Success Mindset Mentor at www.franexcell.com – Helping Business Owners & Executives Overcome Stress & Self Sabotage so they can get back their time, get off the emotional rollercoaster and feel more in control. 

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